Saturday Night
9:00 p.m.
The Gartrell Residence
So I Started this night out on the right foot for sure (3 jager bombs within 5 minutes of arrival.) The warm night was steadily depeloping into a debate as to whether or not to go bowling on a then-dubbed "couples night". Slowly but surely it was becoming more and more entertaining. Little did i know that something as simple as a 30 second phone call that was inevitably on its way could have such immense effects on an eccentric summer evening as this one. However, at the time we saw it as nothing more than an invite to a possibly epic bachelorette party... Two amaretto sours and two shots of jager later, and we are on our way.
9:45 p.m.
A Bachelorette party in byram
As i walk in the door to a random house filled with double digits worth of women, my mind races over just how much fun this little adventure could be. (You see, random adventures are rarely, if ever, mediocre. They have a great track record of being either absolutely amazing, or incredibly horrific. This story unfortunately revolves around the latter.) Being the gentleman that i am, i introduce myself shortly after walking into the home. This followed by a prompt "Ladies...How are y'all doing this evening?" And what happens next, will echo in part of my mind for the rest of my days on this earth.
...Silence
Inaudible, Deafening silence. You see, we had walked ourselves into a house where we were apparently not welcome. At all. Period. My eyes slowly scanned the room noticing the cold piercing gazes of multiple angry, drunken women. "what the fuck is going on here?" i thought to myself. After a few seconds of trying to sober up enough to realize just what in God's holy name i had gotten myself into, i remembered the contingency plan.
If i could ever teach anybody anything worth knowing in this life it would be to always have a plan B. A backup plan, if you will. Things go wrong my friends. plan on it.The contingency plan in this case (as well as 99 percent of all other cases where things to terribly awry) Find. The. Booze.
So i did. A crown and coke to be precise. Then it was off to the back patio to blast a cig and contemplate the consequences of doing humanity a favor and burning this horrendous place straight back to hell. However, i noticed that outside lay a new face. One that wasn't part of the initial "O.G. hate brigade" (copyright) that lied inside of this wretched house. I thought maybe this one would be a little bit more optimistic, and if nothing else, at least sane...
WRONG. This one was the apparently the avid ringleader of this mad crew of crazy females. Here's an example of the conversation, paraphrased.
Me: "How are you?"
Ringleader: (insert bitchy remark here)
Me: "alright, why are these women inside so vicious?"
Ringleader: "you are guys at a bachelorette party"
And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. It was a trap. From the time i stepped foot inside of this house, i was instantly met with blind hatred. And Similar to a black man at a KKK Rally, there was nothing i could do but try and make it out alive. I've never been hated for the sole reason of being a man before, and it was, at the very least, quite an interesting experience. However, upon the drunken uptake of this recent information, our crew decides to follow this avid ringleader to a party at a siblings house, 45 minutes away. I thought it couldn't be any worse than this...right?
WRONG. The home team is 0 for 2.
12:00 a.m.
Outskirts of Gluckstadt.
Upon initial arrival to this semi-awesome residence, things seem to be looking up. Our entourage is now about 10 bitches lighter (thank God) and we're meeting people who seem to be pretty decent. Very Country, But decent nonetheless.
It played out like any scenario where a bunch of people show up hammered to someone's house (who is conveniently also trashed) Multiple introductions, a few spilled drinks, a dog that's been labeled gay running around the house, etc. Alcohol is consumed, and the party moves outside to the pier on the lake.
As a side note, when at parties with your own group, try to at least stay in groups of two This way, if things go down, you're never by yourself when it happens. (The buddy system always works well in this situation)
This time, sadly, i had gotten so insanely lit that i forgot all about the buddy system. I had somehow become separated from my group, and was now on the front lines of what would shortly turn into a smack-talking clusterfuck that would make The Player-hater awards look like a scuffle on Sesame Street.
Here are the key parties involved, who will remain anonymous. (you're welcome, bitches.)
Avid Ringleader
Pregnant chick who actually wasnt pregnant
Avid Ringleaders Siblings
Aforementioned Siblings significant others
and of course, me.
The time on the pier started off pretty normal. Good conversations, Old boy playing fetch with his dog, couples chilling in the moonlight, etc.
And then it happened.
Ringleader started talking some mad shit. and then some more. and then some MORE. about me. and then about my crew. and then the person in my crew THAT SHE FUCKING INVITED. It took me a while to understand the gravity of the situation (since i rarely am the subject of some vicious bitch's feeding frenzy for self-gratification.) Plus i was drunk, which as we all know, always slows the uptake. But after about 15 seconds of some serious thought, i realized that i wasnt just imagining this woman doing the unthinkable...she actually WAS doing it. I sat back and watched as she quickly tried to demean myself and those closest to me. Still in shock from this initial act of debauchery, i struggle to say the only thing i can think of at the moment.
"are you a bitch to everyone that you meet for the first time?"
Ringleader: "pretty much"
AND IT'S AVID RINGLEADER FOR THE WIN, FOLKS.
You can't argue with logic like that my friends. That has to be the most
The most disappointing factor in this entire situation, is the fact that ringleaders own family wouldn't man up and keep a spoiled rotten sibling in check. I can say this because i have a sister (who, for the record, was raised to not-be-vicious) and if she were to ever talk to a guest at my house like that, it would be dealt with swiftly. And Immediately. we're talking instant intervention. Whether she be 15 or 45. Because that's what you do when your family starts doing things that are unacceptable to societies basic moral principles. one word: civility
Around 1:00 a.m.
I've deemed this social gathering (and it's participants) a lost cause. The search is on for the other crewmembers in a desperate attempt to roll out. One by one they are picked up and ushered out, German S.S. style. Upon reaching the car, i am relentless on us getting the hell out of this house as fast as humanly possible. Tryin to haul ass like we owed these people money. Finally, in what was about 2 minutes altogether (felt like eternity) we are all accounted for and headed home.
un. fucking. believable.
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