Long Story Short

Customer: Which one of these phones is better?
Myself: Well, This one is better at reception, but this one has a few more added features.
Customer: You're wrong.
Myself: No, I’m not.
Customer: I had one of these about six years ago, and it was terrible.
Myself: Well they've come a long way in the past six years...
Customer: No, I know for a fact that they're still terrible.
Myself: And how is that?
Customer: I just know.
Myself: Did you know someone else who had one that wasn't quite up to par?
Customer: I'm not sure if I like your attitude.
Myself: Just let me know if you have any more questions.



So for those of you who know me, you have my deepest condolences you know just how much I love being right. I mean, I really, really love it. It's sort of like a sport for me, maybe even a calling. Some people just have it, by birth or by choice. Michael Jordan had basketball, Steve Jobs had Apple, and I have the ability to argue. With anyone. About anything. Period.
Now I know this comes across as arrogant and cocky (read: a little) But it's a about time it was all laid out on the table. I don't usually jump into conversations I know absolutely nothing about. But when I'm voicing my opinion, believe that it is well educated. It is. Does this mean that I’m right one hundred percent of the time? Brace yourselves, no, no it doesn't. However, I do strive (and gracefully achieve) to be in the 90th percentile, or higher.
The point is that I rarely get into an argument where I’m not one hundred percent sure that I’m on the correct side. I'm not arguing to prove that I’m right, as much as I’m doing it to prove someone else is wrong. And if I simply walk away from a heated debate, do not make the mistake of assuming that you've won. I have simply realized that arguing won't make a difference. You see, I’m not a fan of wasting my breath, or my time. You were wrong, you are wrong, and you will continue to be wrong. Until God comes down and reverses the polarity of Universal Truth, it will stay that way.

Jables' Party Survival Guide

SO i might be in a slight redbull-and-benadryl induced psychosis, but i still know what you guys are thinking right now. "Jared, all of your lists and guides are so awesome that we run a risk of dying an instant, happy and fulfilling death just by reading them!" GTFO! You guys are so sweet. Now get to reading before i have to pull out my puerto rican credit card (read: a gun)

NOW I KNOW, (and when i say that i really don't) how much you teenage, middle age, and redonkulously old age people love to party) HOWEVER, remember what your all-knowing jables always says, "Don't Be Dimwits, Know your Limits.™ (Trademark Bitches) When you're at a social gathering, whatever the type may be, there are still some slight rules and regulations that must be adhered to. Folks, This just might be the last list you'll ever need to read, Riiiight? RIGHT!? Wrong?!? Damnit

A) Don't Show up To a party that you're not wanted invited to (or wanted at?)
I mean seriously people. Would Obama show up to a clan rally? ANSWER: Not unless they could fix healthcare. HIYO! kidding, only kidding. CORRECT ANSWER: No, no he would not. Because they don't want him there. Please do not show up to a place where the thought of you makes people throw up in their mouths a little bit. It just looks bad, and when i say bad, i mean like short bus traffic accident bad.

B) For God's sake man, have some swagger
Whether you believe it or not, how you carry yourself speaks to others louder than words. Just because you don't think that drunkenly running all around the house you are at makes you look bad, it still does. I can stand in front of a speeding semi and think it won't hurt me all i want to, but it still won't change the fact that someone will be scraping me off the pavement afterwards. All you have to do is grow up just a weeee bit, and things will be J-Okay (see what i did there?)

C) DON'T BE "THAT GUY"
The title says it all on this one guys. However, for those of you who don't know the terminology of "that guy" here is urban dictionary's number one definition. "The guy that everbody hates, and nobody wants to become." SHOWSTOPPA! now you know. Here's me using the term in a sentence to help you all understand even better. "OMFG PRAY TO CHRIST YOU DON'T BECOME 'THAT GUY'." Catch my drift? I'd go into more detail on what makes "that guy" but it's sort of like profiling a serial killer. (Read: time consuming and pointless)

D) Don't Be Dimwits Dumbasses
What's the one thing that's worse than one person thowing up in public? If you said two people throwing up, then you are right. (suck it, regis) Newsflash people, 90 percent of the people on this planet love the firewater, and the other 10 percent live boring, unsuccessful lives. (Intervention? whaaat?) Point is, you have to know your point of no return. When you're standing still and somehow miraculously still moving, that's usually a pretty clear sign that it's time to 86 the inking-dray (Pig latin word magic baby, ZING!)

E) Quit While you're ahead
Have you ever heard the saying "always leave them wanting more?" Well, it's basically a nice way of saying leave before they get sick of you. (Did i just blow your mind or what? OR WHAT WASNT A REAL CHOICE DAMNIT) Always try and pick yourself up off the floor and crawl back to the same car you arrived in, before a drunken angry mob does it for you. SHAZAM ZOMG did you see that!? you just survived the most ballin party in the history of ever. Aaaaaand You're welcome.