Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Art of Conversation

Communication 1.)the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.

In Lieu of recent events (read: a mind-boggling forty-five minute long conversation about absolutely nothing) I have decided to grace you fantastic readers with another (you guessed it) list... In this Post I will go over the proper etiquette of conversing in a way that still maintains reason, and dignity for all parties involved. I cannot urge BEG you enough to please, PLEASE take heed to the information you are about to read. For humanity's sake, as well as my own.

1) When attempting to have a conversation (be it inquisitive, informative, or entertaining) remember to keep it short, unless the other party shows INTEREST in what you have to say. Constant nagging with endless, mindless bullshit causes headaches, and (were I a lesser man) violence. Assuming that the other party is interested in anything you have to say can have horrendous consequences (mainly for the audience that you are torturing with your never-ending jabberwocky.) And remember what I always say... When you assume, you become a pain in the ass to me.

2) Look deep into my eyes, and honestly ask yourself if I care. (Judges?) No. With me personally, if i start avoiding eye contact with you (usually by staring directly at your forehead) It might be a not-so-subtle hint that I'd rather salt my own profusely bleeding open wounds than continue on with this counter-productive dialogue. Another noticable course of action is that I haved stopped responding to your questions. The reason behind this is that i'm frantically praying that God will smite me with a bolt of lightening, (possibly a stray meteor?) to rescue me from the abyss of stupidity that you have dragged us both down into, kamikaze style.

3) When You are the only one talking, the conversation has officially ended. If you notice that you've been talking to yourself for the past 20 minutes and then look up to see me standing there with both eyes focused in different directions, and uncontrollably drooling, Congratulations. You have officially bored me into a coma. It seems the only refuge i could find from our pointless conversation, was in my own mind. So there i stand, my cognizant mind locked inside my head more secure than fort knox during a terrorist attack. If you keep on talking, you just might be responsible for the death of an innocent man, and you don't want that kind of blood on your hands do you? Exactly.

4) When the conversation is over, IT IS OVER. Despite what many of you might think, there are two common misconceptions about yours truly. 1) I am not the devil, and 2) I do have a life. And if that life involves me sitting around bored out of my mind and blogging all day, i have come to accept that. HOWEVER, do not make the mistake that my time is as invaluable as your own. Me standing around doing absolutely nothing is still more productive than your braincell-killing chatter. If you want to be a waste of time, human flesh and natural resources by talking non-stop about absolutely nothing, then go right ahead. Just be sure you're not around anybody with an IQ higher than 50 (houseplant) while you're doing it.

5) Ignorance is not bliss. For example, I might be ignorant of what you're talking about, but it still physically hurts me to hear you talk about it. The same goes for you, and being a dumbass. Now don't get me wrong, I know how the world works, and i have a pretty good idea of the people who inhabit it. I know that when the Almighty was handing out servings of stupid, some people got in line twice. That's just the way of the world, But please have mercy on the rest of us.

6) You have realized the conversation is over, so don't turn around and start it all over again. As if you haven't already blown my mind, you don't have to be mean about it. You give me hope as you slowly but surely inch toward the door, only to bring it all crashing down when you turn around and start talking again. Don't be an under-achiever. If your goal is to walk out that door and stop being a nuisance, then i will do everything in my power to help you accomplish it. Need me to strap you to a dolly and wheel you out? Done. Grease you up and slide you right out the front door? You got it. At this point i would literally spend the rest of my life building a working jetpack, if i know that when it's done, it will fly your ass right the hell out of here.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Gentlemen and the Chivalric Code

Time: 8:40 a.m.
Location: Small gas station in Gluckstadt.

As i step out of my car and wander in a morning stupor toward the double doors to this fine establishment, i see an older woman stepping out of her car (sporting a morning haze uncannily similar to my own.) As she slowly approaches the door behind me, i open it and hold it for her to enter first. This Ladies and Gentlemen, is what's known as common courtesy, and it currently wavers under the immense weight of people's own selfish intentions. She Smiles at me, and slowly waddles into the store, hopefully noticing that Chivalry (for all intents and purposes) is not completely dead.

Gone are the values of days past, where women and the elderly were respected and valued as almost seperate (read: important) members of society. In today's modern world, they are being merged into the common rat race that is everyday life. Personally, i'm not sure who is to blame for such a disgusting deflection of hundreds of years of romanticist ideals. Many women scream for equality with men, not realizing that equality doesn't just pick and choose certain areas of life to apply to. Should women be treated differently? Yes. Should it be in a demeaning way? No, not at all. Here is why:

The Chivalric Code
Years ago my mother bought me a book called The compleat Gentleman: A modern man's guide to chivalry. Looking back at this moment, i'm still not sure if it was one of the best (or absolute worst) turning points in my life. Trying to uphold this specific set of ethics in today's world is equivalent to setting sail on a sinking ship. The author goes into great detail about how true gentlemen stick to a set of guidelines. Put simply, it entails strict loyalty to a simple set of ideals.
1) God
2) Country
3) Family
4) Protection of the innocent

Not too hard to understand, right? The stories of King Arthur probably give you the best retro-spective view on the whole ordeal. Men sitting at a round table, with a queen who sits two steps above it. These men are my personal heroes, willing to sacrifice themselves in order to preserve and protect the innocent. In times of war, women and children were ushered to safety first. NOT for the reason that they were weak, but because they were more important. These ideals changed the world as we know it, and today they have been all but lost to the ever-turning pages of history. Often i ask myself, "is this the fault of men? slowly losing hold of their forefathers' ideals decade by decade until they see women as something more similar to objects than the precious souls that they are?" Perhaps connectivity and capitalism have a role to play in the downward spiral. I simply don't know.

Now i know what you're all thinking. "buuuut jaaaared, if you don't know the answer then who does??? answer: nobody. Luckily, it doesn't really matter where along the lines the entire ideals of romanticism fell apart. Chivalry is dying, and it will continue to do so. Sadly, There is nothing that can be done to stop it from its tragic fray. However, there are still a select few of us who can teach these ideals to at least some members of the younger generation, In a futile attempt to at least change the lives of someone.
Perhaps there are still some women out there who can respect being treated well, as opposed to complaining about courtesy and begging to become another face in the matrix of a cruel and competitive world. It just needs to be made known, that chivalry sets men and women apart. Not to belittle the opposite sex, but to admire it. I believe that true gentlemen have a higher respect for women than most men who see them as equal. It's a wretched misunderstanding by the extremists of the feminist party, who see it as another group of men trying to put women down. When, In all reality, it is the exact opposite.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentines Day: A Brief History

Valentine's Day. If you are looking for another holiday that has such a love/hate/really hate relationship with its celebrators, You won't find it. And, Since you all know how much i love to shed a realistic view on the worlds hopelessly fallacious (read: wrong) views on national holidays, i've decided to give you all a very personal valentines day gift of wisdom.

A Brief History of St. Valentine: An Informative Account Through the Eyes of a Single Realist.

In 269 A.D. A Roman Catholic Priest by the name of Valentinus was banned from performing marriages to all younger couples by the roman emperor Claudius. Valentinus (known today as St. Valentine) defied all proper authorities and continued to marry younger couples "in the name of love" (obviously resulting in strike no. 1). In letting younger couples get married, the age limits on aforementioned marriages fell to disturbingly low standards, with couples as young as 12 participating in holy matrimony. (Why, Hello there strike no. 2) After performing many unlawful ceremonies, St. Valentine's fame began to rise uncontrollably, and he was eventually caught and imprisoned. While in Prison, St. Valentine (the hopeless romantic that he was) fell in love with the jailers Daughter, Resulting in an uncannily quick trial; (and a humorlarious strike no. 3). With The trial out of the way, (and the three strikes that obviously pushed it all WAY too far laughing on the sidelines), St. Valentine was called a degenerate, and then furiously stoned. When The bloody beating with large rocks was over, and the stones lifted off of his body, it became known that Valentinus had not yet died. So, he was horrifically beaten with clubs (yes, plural). However, Once again, St. valentine had proven to be quite the adversary when it came to being thrown a raging beating. He was then beheaded.

Let this be a lesson to corporate America and it's greed-driven advertisement propaganda.

Happy Valentine's Day