The Art of Conversation

Communication 1.)the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.

In Lieu of recent events (read: a mind-boggling forty-five minute long conversation about absolutely nothing) I have decided to grace you fantastic readers with another (you guessed it) list... In this Post I will go over the proper etiquette of conversing in a way that still maintains reason, and dignity for all parties involved. I cannot urge BEG you enough to please, PLEASE take heed to the information you are about to read. For humanity's sake, as well as my own.

1) When attempting to have a conversation (be it inquisitive, informative, or entertaining) remember to keep it short, unless the other party shows INTEREST in what you have to say. Constant nagging with endless, mindless bullshit causes headaches, and (were I a lesser man) violence. Assuming that the other party is interested in anything you have to say can have horrendous consequences (mainly for the audience that you are torturing with your never-ending jabberwocky.) And remember what I always say... When you assume, you become a pain in the ass to me.

2) Look deep into my eyes, and honestly ask yourself if I care. (Judges?) No. With me personally, if i start avoiding eye contact with you (usually by staring directly at your forehead) It might be a not-so-subtle hint that I'd rather salt my own profusely bleeding open wounds than continue on with this counter-productive dialogue. Another noticable course of action is that I haved stopped responding to your questions. The reason behind this is that i'm frantically praying that God will smite me with a bolt of lightening, (possibly a stray meteor?) to rescue me from the abyss of stupidity that you have dragged us both down into, kamikaze style.

3) When You are the only one talking, the conversation has officially ended. If you notice that you've been talking to yourself for the past 20 minutes and then look up to see me standing there with both eyes focused in different directions, and uncontrollably drooling, Congratulations. You have officially bored me into a coma. It seems the only refuge i could find from our pointless conversation, was in my own mind. So there i stand, my cognizant mind locked inside my head more secure than fort knox during a terrorist attack. If you keep on talking, you just might be responsible for the death of an innocent man, and you don't want that kind of blood on your hands do you? Exactly.

4) When the conversation is over, IT IS OVER. Despite what many of you might think, there are two common misconceptions about yours truly. 1) I am not the devil, and 2) I do have a life. And if that life involves me sitting around bored out of my mind and blogging all day, i have come to accept that. HOWEVER, do not make the mistake that my time is as invaluable as your own. Me standing around doing absolutely nothing is still more productive than your braincell-killing chatter. If you want to be a waste of time, human flesh and natural resources by talking non-stop about absolutely nothing, then go right ahead. Just be sure you're not around anybody with an IQ higher than 50 (houseplant) while you're doing it.

5) Ignorance is not bliss. For example, I might be ignorant of what you're talking about, but it still physically hurts me to hear you talk about it. The same goes for you, and being a dumbass. Now don't get me wrong, I know how the world works, and i have a pretty good idea of the people who inhabit it. I know that when the Almighty was handing out servings of stupid, some people got in line twice. That's just the way of the world, But please have mercy on the rest of us.

6) You have realized the conversation is over, so don't turn around and start it all over again. As if you haven't already blown my mind, you don't have to be mean about it. You give me hope as you slowly but surely inch toward the door, only to bring it all crashing down when you turn around and start talking again. Don't be an under-achiever. If your goal is to walk out that door and stop being a nuisance, then i will do everything in my power to help you accomplish it. Need me to strap you to a dolly and wheel you out? Done. Grease you up and slide you right out the front door? You got it. At this point i would literally spend the rest of my life building a working jetpack, if i know that when it's done, it will fly your ass right the hell out of here.